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8 Biggest Problems for Long Married Couples

5/24/2018

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After decades of marriage, some couples settle into not-so-constructive patterns. After sharing joy, pain, and raising a family, they gradually realize they're fighting often, rarely have sex, and feel far apart even when in the same room.

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Here's the top reasons couples grow apart, and what to do about it from pals of the show Grandparents.com
"Gray divorce:" a concept made popular by researchers in a Bowling Green State University study, which found that since 1990, divorce rates have doubled for Americans over 50 and more than tripled for Americans over 65.

In 2010, people ages 50 and older accounted for about 1 in 4 divorces. Susan L. Brown, one of the lead researchers for the study, told the Washington Post that the reason for these divorces wasn't "severe discord," but rather "the couples had simply grown apart."
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The top 8 problems agreed upon by experts:
  • Communication issues are the most common complaint, followed by (in no particular order);
  • Frequent fighting
  • Sexual desire discrepancy, (when one partner wants sex and the other doesn't)
  • One partner's drinking or drug abuse
  • A difference of opinion on work-life balance
  • Financial stress
  • Weight issues
  • Arguments related to adult children

What to do about it

The first step to a healthier marriage (and avoiding divorce): Acknowledge you have problems. "There are signs when a marriage is in trouble and you have to get some help," says Sussman, who notes things like fighting more often than having pleasant times; having no or little sex; preferring to spend free time with friends, family, or alone; dreading weekends; and fantasizing about other partners ....or being alone.

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Learn the healthy way to fix communication problems:
  • First, wait until you're calmer, pick a time when things are calm, then open the conversation gently by asking permission. "I have some things I want to tell you—is this a good time?" If your partner says yes, your relationship issue shifts from an emotional outburst (which often provokes a heated response) to something more akin to a business meeting. "In a common fight, the brain is highjacked of its ability to reason and listen, and your partner cannot hear you," she says. Giving your partner the choice to engage in a conversation puts you on even ground.
  • Second, clearly and calmly state your complaint and your desired alternative. "I don't like it when you do x, and I would like that you do y instead."
  • Lastly, ask your spouse to repeat it back, which ensures they got your message so you you are talking about the real issue at hand. "It seems simple, but I can't tell you how difficult it is to repeat what your partner said," she says. "There's always distortion and defensiveness about what was said. You don't have to agree or respond to the complaint, you just have to hear it."

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Learn one another's love languages:
Identifying the behavior that makes your partner feel loved and connected to you allows both of you to feel more satisfied. If you feel loved when your partner hugs and kisses you, but your partner feels loved when you take out the trash or empty the dishwasher, knowing this consciously then building on it will go far to close that disconnect.

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Practice nonsexual touching:

Recent research published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology suggests that having sex once a week—but not more often—helps you maintain an intimate connection with your partner and correlates with a happier marriage, regardless of gender, age or length of relationship. "Many people get in trouble because they're not having sex," says Dr. Schwarzbaum. "They grow further and further apart, but they can't figure out how to get there."
So, remove the sexual pressure. "I try to get them to separate nonsexual touch from sexual activity," says Schwarzbaum. "I tell them to play with each other's body, and take it very slowly, like have a longer hug than usual, but purposely put a stop to further sexual activity. That way they rekindle intimacy without the threat of the performance."

These simple but powerful approaches will help the two of you break free from behavior that's not working, and to once again enjoy one another.  Dr. Schwarzbaum "(tries) to help them talk differently, listen differently," says . "Sometimes they go their separate ways because they can't do any of that, but very often it works beautifully. I get people in their 60s who make enormous changes with how they interact."


You have been officially alerted...

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Putting the "happy" in "Happy New Year" Part II

1/18/2018

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Last post started the three part series on the trio that, if made part of your daily life, will undoubtedly put more "happy" in your new year - Laugh; Listen; Let Go - with a few laughs to get that going for you.

This week, part II; Listen.

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We spend about 70% to 80% of every day's waking hours communicating - and research shows that doing it well will make you happier.

That's because effective and personal communication creates a bond of closeness, reduces conflict, enhances relationships, and in many cases, helps you get more of what need & want out of your interactions, therefore...life.

And the key to effective communication is... good listening.
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“Giving someone your full, undivided attention makes them feel appreciated, and creates a positive feeling for them about you" says life coach Jack Bennett, Ph.D.

Add to that, people who are good listeners are more liked, rated as more attractive, and inspire more trust (according to Louisiana State University professor of communication studies Graham D. Bodie).

And, good listeners are higher academic achievers, have better emotional development, and are more likely to get promoted at work.

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Unfortunately, when faced with the chance to listen to what someone has to say, to tune in and be "fully present," most of us usually fall short. We're busy thinking about what we're going to say, or allow our minds to wander  (errands, our work, that fight you had with your spouse...).

And our ever-shortening attention spans don't help; according to research from the Associated Press:

The average attention span in 2000: 12 seconds
The average attention span in 2012: 8 seconds
The average attention span of a goldfish: 9 seconds
GOLDFISH are more attentive than we are....Sheeeesh.
Convinced?  If so, here's 5 easy steps to becoming a great listener:
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Observe & Make/Keep Eye Contact
Take the person in. Be mindful of their body language and other physical clues to mood, comfort zone, etc.
The ability to maintain eye contact is an important tool that conveys care, builds connections and indicates interest, according to a Michigan State University study.

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Ask rather than "tell"
When you ask questions, you do a few very effective things:
  • you create a safe space for other people to give you an unvarnished truth
  • you show true interest by seeking to really understand their position
  • you get more information than you most likely would otherwise not know
  • you demonstrate willingness to let it be about them (needing an ear) rather than you (having the answers)

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Shut Out Distraction
That means being totally present with somebody, quieting your own mind, stowing all devices, and reducing or eliminating the chance of getting distracted (close your door and send calls to voicemail is an example at the office); giving people the space to talk and share something about themselves without interruption.

Repeat (paraphrase) back what you think you heard...
...you may have heard wrong and if so you'll find out immediately...and if you heard correctly, you'll be letting the other person know you really got it.

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Empathize
Understand the “humanity of their situation” (all the circumstances surrounding it); "walk a mile" in the other person’s shoes.

You have been officially alerted...

In two weeks... "let go"...

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