Ah, May...when, according to the song from Camelot, fiendish thoughts of love awake from their winter slumber:
That darling month when ev'ryone throws
Tra la! It's here!
That shocking time of year
When tons of wicked little thoughts
- Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed....and that it's the right person...
- Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them all off...)
- Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
- Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
- Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember; if you're married, consider a tattoo...that way you're always ready!
- Use extra Polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
- Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
- Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
- If it works, tell everyone you know about the good news!
- Don't even think about trying it twice.
You have been officially alerted.